What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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