capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
