I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
FUCK WHALES
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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