My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
