you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
