three words: i give head
three words: not that well
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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