do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think I just shit out all my problems.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
