My friends, they love my intelligence
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
