He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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