I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
