there was a trapeze. enough said
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
