my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
