There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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