Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
