No stitches, just platelets and will power
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
