So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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