I heard we made out
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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