Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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