i just wanna soil my oats bro
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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