when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
