Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
