We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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