You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
