if i can run in heels then i can drive
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
