i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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