It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
