i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
