dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
