Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
