PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Randomize
