I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
