Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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