today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize