I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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