Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
