so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
