i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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