You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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