Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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