On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
