dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
