Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
