i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
