im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
