He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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