shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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