I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
the liver wants what the liver wants
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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