i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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