I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
