i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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