u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
