I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
