I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
