it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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