if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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