As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
