you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize