it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
