She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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