i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
