I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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