..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
