She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
