my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He better not be in your backpack
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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